Today is my first day of working as a freelance designer. I have followed up on some leads, reorganised all my notes and done accounting. Now I’m admiring my gorgeous bouquet, a parting gift from my former coworkers. I will miss them dearly.
After working in companies for five years, freelancing feels like the ultimate blank slate. Maybe things won’t change as much as I imagine. Or maybe they will. Whatever happens, I am repeating my goal to myself: To free up time and focus for the things that matter to me. I have been telling myself that if I could control my time I would learn this or do that. Now is the chance to put those ideas in motion. My challenge from now on is to keep myself busy with enough work. And to find that balance I am searching for.
I am grateful for all the experiences that have given me a chance to build the confidence to take this step. And I am happy to set out on a brand new chapter.
It frustrates me that during almost a week of vacation, and I haven’t found the time to meditate at all. That being said, I have done a lot of nice things:
Gone skiing in the Norwegian mountains in absolutely stunning weather.
Had quality time with three close friends separately.
Baked blondies (white chocolate brownies), eaten lots of French cheese accompanied by an amazing Syrah.
Enjoyed orchids, in three different colours blooming at the same time.
For some personal reason, it has been extra difficult to stay in a positive and thankful mindset the last week. I was away from the city all week, and I should have come home feeling full of balance and energy. Instead I feel confused and exhausted. I wished I could share more about the reasons here, and maybe someday I will.
For now I am letting myself have some time feeling a bit down and wishing I had a day extra off. Which is completely fine too.
Today is an aftermath. An aftermath following a weekend with many difficult emotions taking place among people I had no choice than to be around. I looked forward to go back home. I thought I would feel exhilaration about walking through the door of my apartment, knowing I finally would be in my own space.
Then when I actually unlocked my dor, dropped my suitcase and crashed on my sofa I realized not even that made me feel good. It was like the burden and the strength in my heart dropped at the same time. And my heart poured anger and guilt subsequently.
All of a sudden I felt as if the world would be closing me in with a lot of expectations that I wouldn’t be equipped to handle. I acted on it, something I am not so very proud of, by being passive aggressive towards someone. And it has all happened before. Many times.
Pain reaches the heart with electrical speed, but truth moves to the heart as slowly as a glacier.
Something about the immediacy of emotional pain, and the want to get away from that pain, makes us forget any other state of mind exist. Sometimes it pays of to wait and watch.
After almost four attempts of writing this post I ended up with what I think is a kinder version of what I wanted to say. Part of me I just wanted to complain. Another part wanted so badly to accept feeling terrible so I could move on. And the reason why I couldn’t do it was because I focused to much on moving on and too little on actually being in it.
But the aftermath was a nice reminder to strive for moments of silence and presence. My note to self is to find ways to be present in myself again. And eventually to find time and courage to face the glacier.
So this is my first post in this completely new space. It is far from the polished version I would like it to be. I have been picking up on coding at record speed, but still it is not enough to get it quite the way I want it to look. Hopefully this space will look a little more put together in not so long.
I still love to share, to write, take pictures and do art. I have missed it. My blog used to be my diary, a place where I could reflect on little things happening, where I was in life as well as well as where I was heading. But my blogging practice back in the days also made me a little stressed out. As a result I am not making any promises for this space. What this blog ultimately will be about, will have will evolve completely out of my own need and want to share things. I am trying to be a little extra selfish with that.
That being said, I am looking so much forward to getting back to this practice, this time also with a little more gratitide. Hoping that you will follow me along for the journey.
(I included a little warming photo from a couple of years ago. Life has changed a lot since back then.)