Winter monday

Nice things to do in January
  1. Spend an afternoon at the swimming pool with a close friend.
  2. Go out for drinks and disco dancing with your sweetheart.
  3. Spend a Sunday outdoors in the snowy forest. Then enjoy a long, hot shower at home.
  4. Start an online course on something you love to learn more about. (I started this this illustration course).
  5. Get yourself the year’s first bouquet of tulips. A little reminder of sunnier days to come.

Last week went from tiresome and sad to full of laughter and good experiences – something I truly needed. Energy levels are elevated and I am starting this week with full force. Wishing all out there a lovely week!

Aftermath

Today is an aftermath. An aftermath following a weekend with many difficult emotions taking place among people I had no choice than to be around. I looked forward to go back home. I thought I would feel exhilaration about walking through the door of my apartment, knowing I finally would be in my own space.

Then when I actually unlocked my dor, dropped my suitcase and crashed on my sofa I realized not even that made me feel good. It was like the burden and the strength in my heart dropped at the same time. And my heart poured anger and guilt subsequently.

All of a sudden I felt as if the world would be closing me in with a lot of expectations that I wouldn’t be equipped to handle. I acted on it, something I am not so very proud of, by being passive aggressive towards someone. And it has all happened before. Many times.

When you can’t snap back, what do you do?

One of my favorite writers has a wonderful quote:

Pain reaches the heart with electrical speed, but truth moves to the heart as slowly as a glacier.

Something about the immediacy of emotional pain, and the want to get away from that pain, makes us forget any other state of mind exist. Sometimes it pays of to wait and watch.

After almost four attempts of writing this post I ended up with what I think is a kinder version of what I wanted to say. Part of me I just wanted to complain. Another part wanted so badly to accept feeling terrible so I could move on. And the reason why I couldn’t do it was because I focused to much on moving on and too little on actually being in it.

But the aftermath was a nice reminder to strive for moments of silence and presence. My note to self is to find ways to be present in myself again. And eventually to find time and courage to face the glacier.

First post

So this is my first post in this completely new space. It is far from the polished version I would like it to be. I have been picking up on coding at record speed, but still it is not enough to get it quite the way I want it to look. Hopefully this space will look a little more put together in not so long.

I still love to share, to write, take pictures and do art. I have missed it. My blog used to be my diary, a place where I could reflect on little things happening, where I was in life as well as well as where I was heading. But my blogging practice back in the days also made me a little stressed out. As a result I am not making any promises for this space. What this blog ultimately will be about, will have will evolve completely out of my own need and want to share things. I am trying to be a little extra selfish with that.

That being said, I am looking so much forward to getting back to this practice, this time also with a little more gratitide. Hoping that you will follow me along for the journey.

(I included a little warming photo from a couple of years ago. Life has changed a lot since back then.)