Aftermath

Today is an aftermath. An aftermath following a weekend with many difficult emotions taking place among people I had no choice than to be around. I looked forward to go back home. I thought I would feel exhilaration about walking through the door of my apartment, knowing I finally would be in my own space.

Then when I actually unlocked my dor, dropped my suitcase and crashed on my sofa I realized not even that made me feel good. It was like the burden and the strength in my heart dropped at the same time. And my heart poured anger and guilt subsequently.

All of a sudden I felt as if the world would be closing me in with a lot of expectations that I wouldn’t be equipped to handle. I acted on it, something I am not so very proud of, by being passive aggressive towards someone. And it has all happened before. Many times.

When you can’t snap back, what do you do?

One of my favorite writers has a wonderful quote:

Pain reaches the heart with electrical speed, but truth moves to the heart as slowly as a glacier.

Something about the immediacy of emotional pain, and the want to get away from that pain, makes us forget any other state of mind exist. Sometimes it pays of to wait and watch.

After almost four attempts of writing this post I ended up with what I think is a kinder version of what I wanted to say. Part of me I just wanted to complain. Another part wanted so badly to accept feeling terrible so I could move on. And the reason why I couldn’t do it was because I focused to much on moving on and too little on actually being in it.

But the aftermath was a nice reminder to strive for moments of silence and presence. My note to self is to find ways to be present in myself again. And eventually to find time and courage to face the glacier.

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